Feb 14, 2020
In this episode, we discuss trusting your intuition.
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TRANSCRIPT
Rhonda Noordyk:
Welcome to this episode of the Divorce Conversations for Women. I'm your host, Rhonda Noordyk. You know there's one common thread facing women that are contemplating divorce, and it's that we don't know what we don't know, right? And so, I want to make sure to help you ask the tough questions so that you get the answers that you need.
Rhonda Noordyk:
In today's episode, we are going to dive into the topic of INTUITION, which is something that I think women really need to learn how to tap into and trust a little bit. So I'm so excited about our topic for today. This episode is sponsored by Courageous Contemplation. It is my online course for helping women navigate through the divorce process, so be sure to check out womensfinancialwellnesscenter.com/events. So, I am here today with Cyrina and I want to just thank you so much for joining us.
Cyrina Talbott:
Oh, thank you so much for having me. I'm really excited to share this.
Rhonda Noordyk:
So, I know that people can certainly reach out to you. We're going to include all of your contact information and all the good things about you. But I just want to get started in our conversation today about intuition. And let's just start by saying, if a woman came to you and said, "Gosh, you know I really feel like I need to make a decision or something just doesn't feel right or whatever." Like let's just talk about, if you could tell them one thing, right, what would that one thing be?
Cyrina Talbott:
I think the thing that's the hardest is to trust yourself. You know? And as I was thinking about this too... when you're going through divorce, that's really hard. That's a really big ask because maybe you're looking at this whole situation that you're finding yourself in and going, "okay. Well, I don't know how to trust myself. I made this decision and it didn't work out." Or a lot of times when anything is falling apart, whether it's a business or marriage or our health or whatever it is, we're kind of, life is showing us areas that do need to change.
Cyrina Talbott:
And even if your partner is hugely at fault, there may be some things you're seeing like, "Oh, okay, I did that." You know where you're responsible. And in light of that, still being able to trust yourself even if you're feeling bad or even if you're realizing there's things or patterns that are needing to change or whatever.
Cyrina Talbott:
But it's so important to trust your intuition and trust yourself because there are no rules. I mean, there are no rules about divorce, whether you should do this with your finances or that with your in-laws or that with your kids. Like there are no rules. Everybody's situation is so different and so unique that you're really the one that can decide.
Cyrina Talbott:
And so, you can take all the advice from everybody, but at the end of the day, it's you and to really, my encouragement is to trust that and be like, "Yeah, I'm, I'm not going to defer this to all the people I think are smarter than me. This is me, my family, my kids, my life." And just feel a little bit like, "Yeah, I can do this." Even if everything's falling apart, that's okay.
Rhonda Noordyk:
Well, and I think to your point, I think a lot of times in situations where women have spent years, sometimes decades squelching their intuition, I think it takes time for us to gain the confidence like, "Oh my gosh, I was right." Or, "Man, I should have listened to this gut feeling that I had several years ago, sometimes decades ago."
Rhonda Noordyk:
And so, I think there's this aspect of getting reacquainted with our intuition, right? And maybe testing it in small ways to help build our confidence so that then when we do feel like, "You know what, gosh, that's right." I mean, it's interesting because I think guys do such a better job at this. I mean, many of my male colleagues, if you were to ask them what's your key for business? It's like, "I trust my gut. If I get a bad sense from somebody, I'm not working with them."
Rhonda Noordyk:
So like for women, if you're interviewing attorneys and you're like, "I don't know. I didn't really get a good vibe but everybody says they're really great so I'm going to work with them." No, your gut told you in the very beginning there was something not right.
Cyrina Talbott:
Exactly. Like exactly how you just processed it. Is like, I don't know. Own that. That's your intuition talking to you. And yeah, I think guys do it better because they're encouraged to and we're supposed to be nice. I don't want to hurt their feelings. Well, hurt their feelings. When I talk to women, they're like, "I don't want to be..." Use a swear word but like a brat. I'm like actually, "Do that more. That's a really good thing to do."
Cyrina Talbott:
And like you said, guys are fine with it, but it's where we want to be nice and we don't want to hurt feelings. We don't want to make waves and it's real and it's practice. I help my clients practice because it's really like learning a different language. You have this part of you that, like you said, maybe you've been denying forever. Maybe you've been trying to be nice and make everybody else happy, and it's learning this part of you and how it communicates is exactly that. You just don't feel right and you don't have to explain it to anyone. And you don't have to be nice if you don't feel right.
Cyrina Talbott:
And you can do it in a polite way, you can just be like, "Well, I'm going to look and see what my other options are." It's simple, but trust that and do that.
Rhonda Noordyk:
For sure. Right. Well, and I think with all, when we look at the divorce process, a lot of the women, if you're listening today and you're like, "Oh my gosh, I'm still in that contemplation stage. I haven't officially made a decision or maybe a year in the midst of it, you're like, "Oh my gosh, I should have listened to my intuition in the beginning because now I'm in a spot where I'm overwhelmed or whatever."
Rhonda Noordyk:
I think just being aware that A, we need to tap into that and B not to feel bad if we haven't tapped into it in the past because each situation's going to be different. So it's like, well, we can't change the fact that you should have listened to your intuition 20 years ago, but what can we do about that now?
Cyrina Talbott:
Yeah.
Rhonda Noordyk:
You know.
Cyrina Talbott:
And that's the other thing I really want to share about your intuition is it isn't a jerk. It's like how you would respond to your best friend. So a lot of times we think our intuition is like, "Oh my gosh, I can't believe you did that. You're such an idiot." And our intuition isn't doing that. Or isn't going well, I told you so. You made your bed, now you have to lie in it. It's always kind.
Cyrina Talbott:
And how would you respond to your best friend? So let's pretend roles are reversed. It's your best friend coming to you. Maybe they've done something that's legit dumb. Are you going to be like, "Oh my gosh, I can't believe you did that again." Like just get away. You know you're going to encourage them. You're going to look for the positive side of it, the thing they did right. Or you're just going to be like, "Oh my gosh," and give him a hug. That's what our intuition does.
Cyrina Talbott:
And it's just something that we don't talk about, we don't practice and we don't do and we have to learn. So yes, absolutely you can practice. I love that you said practice with little things because sometimes we bring this like, "Should I move across the country or stay here intuition?"
Cyrina Talbott:
And it's like gambling or rolling the dice and we're like, "Oh, I think I heard a yes." And then it doesn't work out and we say, "Oh, I'm horrible at that. I'll never do it again." And it's like, "No, just listen." This voice is kind, and chill, and always with you, and leading you and you can just start tuning in and listening because it's there.
Cyrina Talbott:
And I really believe women are way better once they start to do this again or practice, I think women do have all those feelings. We're just quick to ignore.
Rhonda Noordyk:
Yeah. Or we second guess it like, I mean if we look at Mel Robbins in her 5 Second Rule, which I'm sure most people have heard of and if not, they'll have to check it out as it's awesome, right? But in that 5 seconds, we have five seconds to say, "Okay, am I going to trust this or not?" And then we either talk ourselves and we just do it or we talk ourselves out of it.
Cyrina Talbott:
So, like what I do with people is I work with their subconscious when I'm doing rapid transformational therapy with people and it's like all these answers are here. And when you're doing that quick decision like that, when you just get a hit, some people call it, or you get a nudge, or you're being led to do something, right. It's your intuition. And if you stay in that and just do it, that's going to be a good thing. Instead of getting up in your conscious mind and being logical and talking yourself out of it and how much is this going to cost and blah, blah, blah.
Cyrina Talbott:
You know, all those things that she's saying don't do that. Just stick with that part of you that knows and is leading you right where you need to be.
Rhonda Noordyk:
Yeah, for sure. Well, so we've teed up, just some really great candid conversation around trusting your intuition. Let's talk about some tips. So if you're listening today, like yes, you can hear your intuition, but what are some tips on how to do that?
Cyrina Talbott:
Yeah, absolutely. So number one is practice. Don't expect to just be a genius at this to start. And practice with smaller things, but really just start tuning into this thing that's with you all the time throughout your day in little ways where you have maybe an inclination to call somebody or look something up or go in a certain direction. Practice that and have it be where it's not life or death and it's not like I'm good at this or bad at this. Have it be practice.
Cyrina Talbott:
Expect that you're not going to be fabulous at it to start if you have no experience with it. The other thing is our intuition talks to us in different ways. Some people journal, they journal all the time, everything and they get a lot of downloads that way. Some people it's if they're meditating or walking, like if you're taking a bath or talking to a friend, praying, but it's also, it's just that pause.
Cyrina Talbott:
It's anything we're doing where we're getting our mind to slow down a little bit, like breathing or not just letting that conversation in your mind go and go and go and go, whatever you do to slow that down or stop it. Some people dance, listen to music, whatever that is.
Cyrina Talbott:
Exercising for sure to be able to pause and listen, whatever that looks like for you. And you'll also know in the past when you just knew, there will be times when you just knew and you'll know, did you feel that in your stomach? Did you feel it in your heart? Did you have the whole body knowing? Was it while you were journaling where you just had clarity about something? Do you need to talk to yourself out loud? Like three things.
Cyrina Talbott:
And the other thing is really knowing that you can hear. There's nobody on the planet that's broken where they can't hear from their intuition. But I think sometimes we think we are. Like, "Oh yeah, I tried that and it didn't work. That works for other people. That's woo woo." But understand you can and as you're in this mess of either being in the middle of divorce or all the pain and agony at initiating it, right? If you're contemplating it, know that your intuition is absolutely going to lead you and guide you in the mess part too.
Cyrina Talbott:
So, you don't have to be perfectly chilled out, calm, meditating to hear from this, it's going to lead you in those times. And I think leads us more in those times when we are making hard decisions or going through a hard shift in our lives. A lot of times the shift is like, even though it seems like such a bad thing, it ends up being such a good thing. So much growth and learning and healing comes in those times, you can absolutely hear in the middle of a mess.
Rhonda Noordyk:
Yeah, absolutely. And I think women really use the divorce journey as an opportunity of self-discovery and that reconnection with their intuition and reconnection with things that have brought them joy in the past or things that they enjoyed doing or whatever. Right?
Cyrina Talbott:
Absolutely.
Rhonda Noordyk:
And so, I think this is a perfect time for women to be thinking about this kind of stuff. And again, just really relying on those kinds of gut feelings that, hey, something just doesn't feel right or this feels off or whatever. Because the divorce process in and of itself is very impersonal I guess. I mean, you're going through a process where the attorneys, this is pretty much what they do all day long. Some do a better job of others then it's not just a case or a file that it's actually somebody's life.
Cyrina Talbott:
Whole life.
Rhonda Noordyk:
Like their whole life.
Cyrina Talbott:
Yeah, wow.
Rhonda Noordyk:
And so, they do this a lot and certainly, I mean, they aren't thinking about necessarily like, "Hey, what is your intuition telling you?" I mean, you might just be in those meetings where something feels off and you maybe have to ask questions or step away or whatever. And so, having the awareness of this now, even before you start the process can be really, really valuable because you are going to have to tap into it.
Rhonda Noordyk:
And I also think, when you can have your intuition in combination with a good team of people that can come alongside and support you through this process, it's going to be really, really valuable for you because divorce often is going to be the most difficult thing that you've gone through or will go through. Most of the women that I talk to say, I would never want my worst enemy to have to go through this. It was awful, terrible, horrible. Right?
Rhonda Noordyk:
Now knowing that, how do we make it a little less terrible, horrible, right? Like how can we help women come out of it so they are stronger, and empowered, and have more clarity, and aren't beating themselves up for all the things that they should have done before, during, or after the marriage?
Rhonda Noordyk:
So, I think the intuition part is a really important part and you have tapped into some great tips on that. Let's talk about that it doesn't have to stop when we feel like we've done something wrong or that life isn't going where we thought it should go. Let's talk a little bit about that.
Cyrina Talbott:
Yeah. I think sometimes there's this idea, and I even as you're saying, we're using, listen to your intuition. But if you're in a meeting, just say, "I have some questions about this." This isn't something you have to be, "Well, my intuition said," because people are just going to dismiss you, totally. They're going to think you're nuts.
Cyrina Talbott:
So yeah, when we are in a place where we're looking at the mistakes we made or like I said, you're in this place of having it be a mess. Start listening. So, here's what I wanted to share about the voice of your intuition is kind. And it is there for your best interest. It isn't there to make you pay or learn your lessons or punish you or like I said, like told you so. It's there to encourage you in this time.
Cyrina Talbott:
Look, you're a human, we all make mistakes. There is no time in your life where you write yourself off and you put this big failure on you. But during divorce is what you want to do. You just want to say, "well, I screwed up. I'm a failure." Maybe you're not feeling like you deserve a good thing. Maybe you're watching how this is affecting your family or your kids and you're like, "Oh my gosh." And you're just beating yourself up.
Cyrina Talbott:
So, it's an invitation to let yourself off the hook. It's an invitation to be kind to yourself and it's an invitation to allow love into this area and know that you absolutely can hear this voice and that it's going to lead you. That it's not beating you up. And so you have your days, right? Like you said, the divorce lawyer, this is just their nine to five job and then they go home at night.
Rhonda Noordyk:
Yep.
Cyrina Talbott:
So your divorce lawyer and other people in your life that you're dealing with this, it isn't personal and this isn't what, it's just their job and it's not their whole life in their heart and everything, but it is yours. And so, the other thing about your intuition is it knows, it's there with you when you're making dinner, when the kids need help with their schoolwork, when you're going to bed alone.
Cyrina Talbott:
There's this humanity there that I think we can write ourselves off as a failure or that I don't, I should do this by myself, like you're saying, and not allow that support, right? You need a team. You need to walk through this with actual humans on the outside, but allow the support within yourself that's there, allow it in. Start listening. No, I want to tell you it's there first of all.
Cyrina Talbott:
And then allow it to tell you what you need to say, the conversations that you need to have. Allow it to encourage you, to lead you and not beat yourself up so much.
Rhonda Noordyk:
Yeah.
Cyrina Talbott:
Yeah.
Rhonda Noordyk:
Yeah, absolutely. And one of the things I was thinking of too, Cyrina was, for my clients as I'm working with them, if I had somebody that came to me and said, "Hey Rhonda, I'm just really feeling like whatever," we could pick any kind of as a situation, right? Like this just feels a little bit off to me. I'm not exactly sure how to handle it. I feel like I need to maybe go a different direction with somebody on my team, like whatever.
Rhonda Noordyk:
I am open to having those conversations and if somebody said, "Hey, my intuition is really telling me that maybe I need to switch attorneys, for example." I'm like, okay, well let's explore that. Right? I will never tell them to do something that is opposite of their intuition. I honor that right now. We will deal with whatever needs to get dealt with to either make that transition or make that shift or whatever. But I'm not afraid to have those conversations and to honor that that's maybe the direction that they want to go with part of the divorce process or whatever it is, right?
Rhonda Noordyk:
Because there's going to be a lot of decisions along the way that I feel like when you have at least one person on your team that's going to understand that piece of it, I can help facilitate the conversation around those decisions. Right?
Cyrina Talbott:
I like that. It's so valuable and it's so honoring to the human that has to have this affect their whole life. Yeah.
Rhonda Noordyk:
Yeah.
Cyrina Talbott:
Absolutely.
Rhonda Noordyk:
Yeah, for sure. Because it's a big decision and I'm not in every single conversation. I'm certainly in a lot of them, right? But I'm helping facilitate and guide and make the right introductions and put the right people in front of them and help them navigate through all the pieces. I mean, my business is really set up to be the one-stop-shop. So, no matter where they're at in the process, I can help them navigate through finding the right people, asking the right questions, getting the clarity that they need or whatever.
Rhonda Noordyk:
But having that two-way communication with your team is going to be really important because we can't read your mind.
Cyrina Talbott:
Yeah. Yeah. It's so important. And like I said before, some people are like, it's life or death or do or die. And it can just be like, "Oh, I have a question. I was wondering about that, or could we look at this a different way?" So let's say your intuition, this was the other thing I wanted to talk about is a lot of times we get a nudge or a knowing or a gut feeling from our intuition and then we stop. And it's like a no. And I really encourage people to stay in it long enough to be like, "Okay, what's the next step?"
Cyrina Talbott:
Sit with that long enough. If it's saying don't do that or question that, or you just have a knowing like, "Okay, don't go in that direction, sit there a while, and then listen, and then you're going to get more information. I think a lot of times people kind of do it half-baked where they get something and then they just run with it or stop it or whatever. Sit in it and keep listening because you're going to get more guidance, more knowledge.
Cyrina Talbott:
And like you said, bring it to your team, flash it out. See where it goes. And it's okay if you screw it up here too, like that's not a big deal. You're practicing and you're learning and you're never going to get to the point where you stop hearing, can't hear anymore and screw it all up and make irreversible damage. There's always going to be a fix or a U-turn or like a plan B, you know, it's fine.
Rhonda Noordyk:
Right, right. Well, and I think the other thing too is a lot of times women we process based on the information that we have. And so, sometimes it, like you said, it is a matter of, "Okay, perhaps I need more information. Maybe I need to ask more questions to be able to get some clarity on what direction to go." And so, I had a lady I was talking to today on the phone and she's like, "Rhonda, my husband filed, I don't really have access to money. I've moved to a different state. I'm going to have to file in the state that we're living in. I don't feel like I have access to money. I don't think I can get a credit card, blah, blah, blah."
Rhonda Noordyk:
And I said, "Okay, what are the facts around that? What's your credit score?" "Well, I don't really know." "Okay. Well, that might be a good place for us to start." Right? And then she's like, "Okay. Well, I don't know that I could retain an attorney." "Well, okay. Have we had some conversations around that?" I think sometimes we don't explore things the way that we can because like in this particular case, this relationship has been abusive for five or six years.
Rhonda Noordyk:
So, she's not used to hearing that stuff or hearing... I'm like, "Let's just get the facts, right? Like, if you don't know what your credit score is and you don't know if indeed you've been denied for a credit card and your bank might not be able to help you, but have we had those conversations? Right? So, then you go out, you look at the banks, you look at the credit unions and maybe you walk in and you're like, "Okay, I just got a really good sense about this one. I can't put my finger on it, but I feel like this group might be the one to be able to help me." And then you explore it from there. Right?
Rhonda Noordyk:
So, there's just so many good examples of how this can help guide and direct. But I do feel like trust your intuition, trust your gut feeling, and then also get some additional facts around it too.
Cyrina Talbott:
Absolutely. And I think our intuition will lead us to that as well. But with the example that you just shared, you have somebody with that negative. You've just got this negative, maybe someone making them feel stupid or incompetent and it's just running. And a lot of times our voice lines up with that and then we run the program even when the person is nowhere near us, we're running that.
Cyrina Talbott:
And I help people with those subconscious programming, but it's imparting, a kind voice. So it's especially necessary for that person. And right, there's so much shame around this and how could I ever do this? Or how could I have not seen or why did it take so long? Whatever we're doing to beat ourselves up, if that's running, this is an invitation to start running a better program.
Cyrina Talbott:
Start saying, a big part of rapid transformational therapy is saying, "I am enough." Like just the way you are. I am enough, even though I'm going through this divorce, I'm enough. I'm valuable just as I am. But then understanding that's how your intuition is going to talk to you too. It's going to be kind and lead you to things and encourage you to trust yourself, encourage you to ask questions, encourage you to learn.
Cyrina Talbott:
You are not stupid; you are not incompetent. That's the first thing to stop doing is even if that's been in your head for 10 years, do your best to be aware of that and catch yourself when you're saying that and switch it to something better.
Rhonda Noordyk:
Yeah, for sure. Well, I have another thought related to the journaling aspect of listening to your intuition, but I want to take a quick break and then we will come back and we'll talk about that and wrap up our conversation about trusting your intuition. And then I want you to share a client success story and your favorite quote. So we will be right back.
Cyrina Talbott:
Thank you.
Rhonda Noordyk:
All right, so I am so excited that you are participating in the Divorce Conversations for Women podcast. If you haven't had a chance to check out https://www.womensfinancialwellnesscenter.com/courses. You want to make sure that you check out our Courageous Contemplation course. This is designed specifically for women that are in that, should I stay or should I go? And it's going to provide you with information about the divorce process, clarity around things that you should be thinking about and how to design the best possible scenario for your divorce process.
Rhonda Noordyk:
All right. So let's get back at it here. So I was thinking about the journaling part. And anytime I have an opportunity to share this nugget I love to because, and I can't take full credit for it, but I love to share it. And that is one of my dear friends who was with me when I first started my business had gone through divorce. And it was an ugly, nasty divorce and she at the time was working in the Dove Care industry, right?
Rhonda Noordyk:
So here she is dealing with her own stuff, really having to come in and be present in dealing with people that have just lost a loved one. And she is one of the most positive people I have ever met. And I said, "How do you do that? Tell me a little bit about your strategy." And she goes, "Rhonda, you know what, it's actually kind of simple."
Rhonda Noordyk:
But she said, "I have two different journals. I have a black one and I have a very colorful one." And she said, "The black one, anytime I was having some negative thoughts or beating myself up and I knew I was going to be going in to meet with a family, I would take that journal out and just get it all out. And then I would move over to the colored one and I would start writing the positive stuff in there."
Rhonda Noordyk:
And she said, "And pretty soon I was writing less in the black one and more in the positive one." And eventually, then she either destroyed the black one, whatever. But just that tangible like okay, separating the negative thoughts and the positive ones allowed her to be able to be the best that she could be in a situation where she had to be.
Rhonda Noordyk:
When somebody has lost a loved one, for you to come in and say, "Yeah, I'm going through divorce and it's really yucky and messy," That's not fair to them, right? And it's not fair to you. So deal with that stuff. Find a strategy that works for you. But that one, as far as the journaling, if you're somebody who likes to write stuff down, that could be a really great strategy for you.
Cyrina Talbott:
I love it. Yeah. And another thing that people do is they'll write down like what's the lie and what's the truth. If you're just hearing in your head all the time, "I'm stupid, I'm stupid, I'm stupid," write that down and then it's in a different journal that's colorful. I totally love that.
Rhonda Noordyk:
Right?
Cyrina Talbott:
But write down some things you've done that are intelligent. There's going to be a list. And that's the truth. You're valuable. You are intelligent, you are good. And the other thing is beating yourself up even though it is like what is the most comment? What is happening in this time? You can't help it, right? When you're going through this, but it's not helpful.
Cyrina Talbott:
So, the more you can find different tricks, tools, whatever works for you, like happy music or whatever it is, the more you can stop that and realize, "Okay, that's not real. That's not who I really am." It's of course in this situation, of course, that's what you're going to feel like doing. But the more you can detach in little ways, in any way that you can, absolutely. The better.
Rhonda Noordyk:
Yeah, absolutely. Well, and I just posted on Facebook right before the weekend and said, "Hey, for those of you that have gone through divorce or are going through divorce, music can be super powerful. So what's your go-to song? Right? Whether it was like some of them were like... One lady was like, "I listen to musicals." The other folks were like, "I'm listening to Lizzo and Kesha and you know... Or I'm listening to harder music or I'm listening to jazz.
Rhonda Noordyk:
Like it was everybody kind of there... I don't think there were any duplicates. And I had probably like 60 some comments on that one post. Right? All across the board. And so, they found that song that helped their go-to song and then probably after the divorce was over they were like, "I don't really want to listen to that song ever again." But finding those outlets that can help you gain some strength, some support, and some clarity as you're going through this process.
Cyrina Talbott:
Yeah, absolutely.
Rhonda Noordyk:
So, one last thing that I wanted to wrap up here. So we've talked about tips on how to be able to hear your intuition. The fact that you know, practice, right? There's no shame, there's no blame, just start walking and listening to your gut. And then the last one is remembering that it's leading you, lovingly leading you through life and to be a little more aware when we hear that still small voice to honor it.
Rhonda Noordyk:
And so, I love that. So as we wrap up our time together, I always like to end with two key things. One is a client success story. And then the last thing is your favorite quote. And I've had a chance to read a little bit through your client success story and I feel like it's really going to resonate with the women that are listening.
Cyrina Talbott:
Yeah. And as I work with people that's just, it's a huge thing to shift that beating yourself up. But yeah, I had a client in an abusive relationship so she came to me because she wanted, she actually was like, "I want help in my marriage," and it was emotionally abusive. And so, a little bit about my backstory is my dad was physically and emotionally abusive, and in other ways to me, I have two little brothers and a little sister.
Cyrina Talbott:
And my mom was so brave, and she left him when I was six. And so, and I know she had so much guilt about my brothers and growing up without a dad and all that stuff. But I know as an adult now that was the best thing she ever did for us. So, if that encourages you at all. But, so what she would say is she would say in a heartbeat, the emotional abuse was worse than the physical abuse.
Cyrina Talbott:
So, this client was in an emotionally abusive relationship. Her husband was cheating on her and she came to me to fix herself so she could win him back. In my head, I was like, "Heck no." But so she was mad at this woman who "stole her husband" and was wanting that relation to stop so they could just go back to normal. And when I worked with her, she was able to start to value herself and to understand like this wasn't about some other woman "taking her husband" like what the heck was her husband doing with that other woman? He was dishonoring her, he was hurting the family, he was causing the problems.
Cyrina Talbott:
And so, it was that shift once she could own her value more to say, "Oh, okay. This is not a competition between me and that other person. This is like, okay, what's my husband doing that's hurting our family? And to understand she didn't deserve to be treated that way. Like that conversation, she didn't deserve to have that on the table. She deserved to have a guy who loved her and that wasn't even an option or a possibility.
Cyrina Talbott:
And so, she started working and understand we don't have to earn other people's love. It's really about loving ourself. And I think that's really important when you're going through divorce because you're losing whatever that looked like or felt like. Even if it's unhealthy, there's that feeling that you're losing something. So it's really important to love yourself and build yourself up and understand that's the only person that really matters anyway. Even people that are in healthy relationships, it's your love for yourself that's important.
Cyrina Talbott:
And I also asked her what she would do, she had two daughters who were little and what she would tell their daughter if they came to her and they said, you know, in 20 years, "Hey mom, my husband's cheating on me. Can you help me be better to win him back?" like what would she say?
Cyrina Talbott:
And she would never encourage them to be with a man like that. And I think it's good when we flip the script and you look at your kids and you say, "Would I encourage them to be with a man like this or to beat themselves up if they were going through this?" and that helped her switch how she was thinking about it too. We just need to be nicer to ourselves guys. Yeah, so mean to ourselves in her head.
Cyrina Talbott:
But that's kind of the set. That's kind of the, if you don't consciously work to overcome it, that's our set point. And then I told her too, like the way we are allowing ourselves to be in a relationship or be treated or the way we treat ourselves, we're showing our kids. So the more we can value ourselves, honor ourselves, love ourselves, even though that's a hard ask, the more we can do that in little ways and get better at it. Our kids are watching and learning.
Cyrina Talbott:
And I know, like I said, for me, watching my mom be brave enough to take us out of that situation with my dad, even though that put her in a... you know, she wasn't financially stable, but we were emotionally healthy and safe. And we watched her and then we were able to also understand, "Okay, even if you're in a relationship like that, you never have to stay. You never have to be treated like that." And that's the truth. So anyway, it ended up that she left and it was messy, of course, and hard.
Cyrina Talbott:
And I just wanted to say, she was brave, but she was also encouraging herself. She was running that program of I am valuable, I am enough, I am worthy. And she had more confidence to move forward. And we also found, when I work with people, that a lot of times there's patterns from your past. It didn't start with this guy. It started when she was younger and with her mother being very controlling and demanding. And so as you're going through this and you're maybe finding old patterns, that's an invitation to grow and shift and change too. And like you said, get that team on board to help you. Don't beat yourself up about that, because as they're coming up, they're going to heal and you're going to change them, and you're going to go into the next relationship if that happens after all the divorce settles and everything, you're not going to repeat this. You're going to be healthy or you're going to have a good relationship that you deserve. But it starts with you loving yourself.
Rhonda Noordyk:
Yeah.
Cyrina Talbott:
Yeah.
Rhonda Noordyk:
Yeah, absolutely. I love that. And I just want to encourage that if you're listening today that you say, "Hey, you know what? I am in an emotionally abusive relationship, but he's never hit me." Right? There's no, but, okay?
Cyrina Talbott:
There's no but.
Rhonda Noordyk:
Let's just be clear.
Cyrina Talbott:
Absolutely, it's powerful. I mean, sticks and stones is BS. Words do hurt.
Rhonda Noordyk:
Oh, for sure. I mean, right? But I think that there's always this like, yeah, but isn't as bad. And I've been in several meetings where the attorneys, we've been doing attorney interviews and they ask a few questions and they say, "Based on what you told me, this is actually the definition of domestic violence." And they're like, "Really?"
Cyrina Talbott:
Like, they're shocked.
Rhonda Noordyk:
Shocked.
Cyrina Talbott:
And this is my invitation to that person too. If this were your daughter, and she was like, "My boyfriend or my husband, he tells me I'm a piece of garbage all the time. He calls me fat and ugly and stupid, but he's not hitting me." Would you be like, "Okay sweetie, stay."
Rhonda Noordyk:
Just stay. No.
Cyrina Talbott:
No, so yeah.
Rhonda Noordyk:
Get the heck out, right?
Cyrina Talbott:
Yeah. So honor yourself that way.
Rhonda Noordyk:
So this is a powerful message. I have goosebumps about this because I think we could have a lot of conversation around this part of it and the confidence that comes around it. And when you don't have the confidence, you borrow the other people's that can help you say, "Hey listen, this is not okay, this is not healthy, this is not normal. And it is okay for you to leave."
Cyrina Talbott:
Yeah. And there's no shame at getting however you got yourself, however, we find ourselves in this relationship, there's no shame in it. There are so common. If you sat a group of women, you had 20 women or a hundred women, there's a huge majority that would raise their hand and they've been in these relationships, whether they were married or dating or whatever. Like there's no shame here. And yeah, there are people who want to help, who've been through it. There's no judgment. Yeah, absolutely.
Rhonda Noordyk:
Yeah, totally.
Cyrina Talbott:
And you don't deserve it. Yeah.
Rhonda Noordyk:
Yeah, totally. Such a powerful message. So let's end with your favorite quote, right? We'll just put a bow on this thing.
Cyrina Talbott:
Yeah. And it's just short and sweet. Einstein said, "We can't solve our problem with the same thinking we use to create them." And for me, this is very powerful because I work with people's subconscious versus their conscious. And the key is to switch those negative, beating yourself up, that shame, that thinking is not going to help you get out of this. Being kind to yourself is.
Cyrina Talbott:
And a lot of times it feels counterintuitive. It feels like maybe we deserve to be thinking of all the things we've done wrong or making lists of our faults or whatever in this situation. But really being kind to yourself, letting yourself off the hook, being gentle, treating yourself how you would a good friend who is going through this, switching how you're thinking, detaching, like you said, with that journaling is so powerful.
Cyrina Talbott:
Those are just thoughts; those are just negative thoughts. That's not your identity. It's not who you are. There's this other colorful journal or the truth that you're good. The things you've done right. All that stuff. Yeah. So switching how you're thinking is really powerful.
Rhonda Noordyk:
Wow. Heavy. Right? But so good.
Cyrina Talbott:
Yes.
Rhonda Noordyk:
So many good things about this conversation. And so, I just want to thank you for taking time to just have a really candid, casual conversation because I know that the women that are listening, I know that those of you who are listening really found a nugget in here.
Rhonda Noordyk:
And so, I want to make sure that you leave this conversation knowing that you can reach out. The contact information for Cyrina will be in our notes. You can also reach out to the Women's Financial Wellness Center. Go to our website, womensfinancialwellnesscenter.com. You can chat with us there, you can leave a request to set up a time to chat. But let's just commit, okay, that we're not going to walk through this by ourselves. How about that? Just commit today, I'm not going to walk through this by myself, by yourself. We're not going to let anybody that we know walk through this by themselves.
Rhonda Noordyk:
And we've got a great team of people that are here to support you as you're going through this process, contemplating this process in the midst of it and need some guidance or direction, right? But you have to reach out. Okay? So, thank you so much for listening to today's episode. If there was something that really stood out to you, a huge takeaway, an aha moment, man, we'd love to hear from you.
Rhonda Noordyk:
So, thank you again for your time and I am looking forward to continuing this conversation.
Cyrina Talbott:
Thank you so much. And I also have a free gift.
Rhonda Noordyk:
Yes.
Cyrina Talbott:
It's a confidence thing that you can find on my website that'll be in the show notes. It's cyrinatalbott.com and so that you can listen to that to actually start this positive, running these thoughts running in your mind that are going to be-
Rhonda Noordyk:
Awesome.
Cyrina Talbott:
... helping you instead of beating you up more yeah.
Rhonda Noordyk:
Awesome. Thank you so much for that generous offer. I appreciate that.
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Contact Information and Other Resources
Our guest today was Cyrina Talbott
Cyrina Talbott is a Rapid Transformational Therapist, getting to the root of issues that hold people back and helping them get their life back. Her journey from completely burning out and learning she had to heal from her own childhood trauma, lead her to be able to help others today. She's a speaker, a mom of 4 girls, and loves reading and being in the outdoors.
Cyrina Talbott
Rapid Transformational Therapist | Life Back Therapy
cyrinat@gmail.com | (715) 570-3450
Facebook | LinkedIn | Instagram | YouTube
Special Offer: Free Transformational Confidence Recording
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Our host of Divorce Conversations for Women Podcast is Rhonda Noordyk, CFEI
Rhonda Noordyk's relentless pursuit of financial justice for women going through divorce drove her to leave the financial industry in 2014 to open The Women's Financial Wellness Center. She was in search of a better way. She used her knowledge, passion, and experience to build a leading-edge business model. The intention was to create a business that provided a safe place for women - especially those in a vulnerable position - to find their paths, find their voices and find the financial confidence they need to lift themselves out of seemingly hopeless situations. Since starting the Women’s Financial Wellness Center, after a 10+ year career in the financial industry, she has helped alleviate financial vulnerability for thousands of women.
​In addition to being the CEO of The Women’s Financial Wellness Center, Rhonda is also a professional speaker. While her platform is women’s money wellness, it is not just about money. Her topics include: assertive communication, boundaries, leadership and overcoming financial myths. Her speaking experience includes: GE Healthcare, UWM Women’s Leadership Conference and Marquette Law School. In addition, she has appeared on Fox6 News, Real Milwaukee, and Morning Blend. Her dynamic and inspirational style leaves women with a sense of empowerment.
Rhonda Noordyk, CFEI
CEO | The Women's Financial Wellness Center
rhonda@wfwcllc.com | (262) 522-1502
Facebook | Twitter | Instagram | LinkedIn | YouTube
Schedule a FREE 30-Minute Phone Call
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Sponsored by: Courageous Contemplation (online course)
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Visit the Women’s Financial Wellness Center for a full directory listing of experts. Be sure to reach out if you would like to connect personally with the Women’s Financial Wellness Center. You can visit our website or grab a complimentary 30-minute consult.
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